


teenage color

by orphan_account



Category: VIXX
Genre: Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:07:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4415177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'i can't leave again,' he says. 'i was too lonely.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	teenage color

**Author's Note:**

> written for an anon who asked for non angst keo.

The kitchen is small and the party is loud; crowds of people on the back porch, the dining room, half of whom Taekwoon doesn't know, and he wants to go home, to take Jaehwan with him, but this is Jaehwan's party—a homecoming party, since he's been gone ten months in Beijing, but remembering this only makes Taekwoon want to touch him even more.  
  
He's leaned to the counter with his hands in his pockets and an untouched drink by his side. He's had one beer but already a headache is blossoming above his left eye, so he ignores the drink and the crowd; ignores Wonsik who's hanging off Jaehwan like a coat: both his arms around Jaehwan's shoulders and his cheek pressed to Jaehwan's own. He keeps laughing and touching Jaehwan's neck, and it isn't that Taekwoon's jealous, but that he wishes he could do this too. And he could, if he really wanted to, but better to save it for when they're alone. If they're alone at all tonight.  
  
Jaehwan tries to leave through the kitchen doorway but Hongbin pulls him back and whispers something in his ear, and they're both laughing and Jaehwan's face is turning pink and Taekwoon's heart is beating wildly in his ears. So he reaches over and grabs Jaehwan's sleeve, pulls him by it— _hard_ , won't let go. Jaehwan comes easily enough, letting himself be tugged around like a beloved pet, passed from hands to hands and he falls into Taekwoon's side, still smiling about what Hongbin had said.  
  
'You alright?' he asks and his smile falters the slightest bit.  
  
Taekwoon wishes he could kiss him, but there are too many people watching. His face grows warm and his hands are a little sweaty; and as he leans over to tell Jaehwan he's tired, he has to stop himself and rests his forehead to Jaehwan's temple instead.  
  
'Hyung?' genuine worry now; his face is serious.  
  
But then Hakyeon's coming from upstairs with a video camera in his hand, and he's talking to it like he has an audience on the other side, laughing at his own jokes. He throws an arm around Jaehwan's shoulders and guides him into the living room, through the crowds of people so eager to hear about China, and he says something like  _we really missed you Jaehwan-ah_ , then they're gone and Taekwoon's alone, glaring at his drink.  
  
He goes outside for a cigarette but only smokes half of it, then he's sitting on the steps in the hallway with his eyes shut against the music. With his hands in his hair and his heart in his mouth he thinks about all the months he'd slept alone. He thinks of all the coffee he brewed and never drank because it was difficult to remember how much to make when it was only himself drinking it. The cold pillows and messy sheets of a bed never used; staying up until three in the morning watching poorly filmed comedies, feeling punch drunk and lonely with a hard-on in his pants and no desire to touch himself, because he could never touch as well as Jaehwan did. He thinks of all this, and hears Jaehwan laugh from far away; feels his blood run cold and a shiver touch his spine. He rises to his feet, but lingers there; leans against the wall and stumbles into the kitchen.  
  
Jaehwan's on the counter with Sanghyuk beside him, and he's touching Sanghyuk's hair and he's telling him about the subways and the weather, how the sky had always been dark even in the daytime; and at some point he notices Taekwoon standing there, looks up at him, and smiles so beautifully it's devastating.  
  
'Are you gonna go back?' Sanghyuk asks him with a touch of despair in his tone, as if he can't imagine Jaehwan ever leaving again.  
  
Jaehwan shakes his head, but he's looking at Taekwoon. 'I can't leave again,' he says. 'I was too lonely.'  
  
And this is better than any kiss he could give him, and Taekwoon finds himself with heat in his face and clouded vision. He stares at the floor, then stares at the ceiling; he moves out of the kitchen and into the living room where he stands in a crowd so overwhelming he starts to see things in slow motion: people passing by, shoulders bumping against him, muttered apologies and he: so desperately wanting Jaehwan in his arms, he can't think of anything else.  
  
But it's his party, his homecoming, and Taekwoon must be patient.  
  
He steps outside and doesn't smoke, but Hongbin's out there and he has a cigarette of his own. There's a small pile of ash by his foot, and a couple flakes on the toe of his shoe, but he wipes it off as if sensing Taekwoon looking at it, and offers the cigarette.  
  
Taekwoon takes a drag, gives it back; and collapses on the step next to him.  
  
'You excited to have your boy back?' Hongbin asks. He isn't drunk, but he could be. Give him another ten minutes and Taekwoon can already see him draped over Wonsik with his hands inappropriately low on his belt.  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'You look pissed off. Are you pissed off, hyung?' he tries to lean over but loses what little balance he had, and now leaned hard in Taekwoon's side it's obvious how much he's had to drink.  
  
'No,' Taekwoon mutters, but he's staring at his hands and not at Hongbin. 'I'm fine.'  
  
Here: a scoff, almost annoyed. 'Hyung.'  
  
'What.'  
  
'Just go  _get him_.' He scoffs again and tries to stand but his drink is too close to his foot and he knocks it over, curses lowly to himself. 'You have—well  _I_  think you have—more of a right to be with him now?' it's not a question, but it sounds like one and it's almost as if Hongbin has no idea what he's saying. 'Like, he's been gone, huh? A long time. Really long time. You were really miserable and-and you still look miserable.' He touches Taekwoon's shoulder, finally gets to his feet. 'You should be happy he's back. I mean, like,  _I'm_  happy—really happy—and you should be too.' He's still talking, but he's walking away and if he expects Taekwoon to follow, he's in for a surprise; but strangely enough, Taekwoon's pretty positive Hongbin doesn't expect anything of him.  
  
So he lets Hongbin go and picks up the tipped over cup. He sets it aside, blows the ash off the porch. Hongbin's left the back door open and Jaehwan's laughing again, always laughing, a boy full of happiness Taekwoon wishes he could touch. So many times he's felt Jaehwan laugh against his mouth, his bare chest; smiling at nothing and giggling over something he's thought up. Taekwoon rubs a hand over his mouth as if trying to feel if all those kisses are imprinted there, and in some way: they are. They're all over him.  
  
Back inside to stand at the foot of the stairs, then up he goes with a cautionary look over his shoulder, hoping,  _wishing_ Jaehwan was following him, and it's quiet up here, the quietest place in the house. He wonders if Wonsik will be able to clean up the mess in his hungover state, or if Taekwoon will trudge his way back over here come morning to help him. He imagines this is what will happen, and sighing, he collapses by the wall and sits with his back to it, his head tipped back. The headache is gone and the music is low; he feels for his phone but can't find it, vaguely remembers Jaehwan taking it before they'd gotten here.  
  
Sitting, waiting, but for what he isn't sure. For Jaehwan to come to him? For Jaehwan to kiss him. To go back home where he can push Jaehwan against the closed front door and put his hands up his shirt, to breathe him in and feel the last ten months fall away like rain. His stomach hurts with anticipation, whole body thrumming with the beat of his pulse. All the nights he'd spent on the phone, lying in bed, pretending Jaehwan was there and hearing his soft whispers, the lonely sounds he'd make as he touched himself; begging Taekwoon to come for him, to come to him, to hold him again; and crying, crying so often.  
  
Taekwoon's heart leaps and his chest feels tight. He crawls to his feet and it's like something out of a movie: stumbling down the stairs with his hand on the railing, and pushing past bodies he doesn't know, doesn't want to touch; and Jaehwan, in the living room with a drink in his hand and his mouth trembling from smiling so much. He looks exhausted, feels boneless when Taekwoon takes him by the waist and drags him away.  
  
He manages a startled, 'What's wrong?' but Taekwoon doesn't answer him. Simply pulls him upstairs and throws him into the bathroom where the lights are off and it smells like lavender. Then: shutting the door, ignoring Jaehwan's wide and flustered eyes; Taekwoon pulls him to his chest and buries his face into his neck.  
  
'Hyung—'  
  
'I missed you.'  
  
'I—'  
  
'I  _missed_  you and I wanna go home.'  
  
Jaehwan makes a noise, almost a whimper, and says, 'I know, hyung. I  _know_.'  
  
'I wanna go now.' He holds Jaehwan harder, pushes all the air out of his lungs and tries to breathe new into him. Kisses him open mouthed, gasping like he's drowning; and Jaehwan, melting into him, takes a handful of Taekwoon's hair, licks past his teeth. He nods because he can't talk, because Taekwoon refuses to pull away. His body tingles and his hands are shaking; heart ready to burst inside him as he kisses Jaehwan deeper, touching his jaw and his chest, feeling how solid—how  _real_ —he is again.  
  
It's another twenty minutes before they leave—so many people to say goodbye to, so many who cling to Jaehwan like they'll never see him again; and finally in the back of a cab with no space between them. Taekwoon holds Jaehwan's hand from the cab and up the stairs, through the dim hall of their apartment building and into their flat. He holds his hand as he kisses him again and touches his legs, fingers carded hard between the spaces of Jaehwan's own, and he only lets go to take Jaehwan's shirt off, to pull him closer and kiss his stomach. And it embarrasses him that he feels like crying, so swallows it all down and tries to remember the hole that had been drilled by loneliness in the pit of his stomach is being filled again, that it won't ever come back.  
  
Jaehwan touches Taekwoon's face, and his heart explodes.


End file.
